Order Restored With New Hall Passes

// Without the new hall pass system recently implemented by the administration, Acalanes would be in absolute chaos and utter disarray. Although many students wish to laugh at the newly distributed set of hall passes gifted to each classroom, this approach to hall monitoring is nothing short of essential. 

   For years, our school has been plagued by groups of deplorables seeking to do nothing more than wreak havoc upon our esteemed campus. These hooligans did so by taking advantage of their teachers once relaxed bathroom policies. Instead of taking a simple trip to the restroom, these students would use their five minutes of freedom from the confines of the classroom to meander the hallways or partake in other suspicious acts around the school. 

   However, the time of chaos is no more. The fashionable lanyard and placard duo are responsible for the necessary restoring of order. If you have any apprehensions regarding the new system, allow me to be your guide shepherding you along the path of hall pass wisdom (make sure to follow protocol and ask your teacher for permission).

By Sydney Christensen

   The obvious, surface level benefit of the hall pass system is that students receive an instant, fashion-forward accessory. On too many occasions, students rush to school in the morning and show up to first period in outfits entirely lacking in adornments. Now, students do not need to worry about their lack-luster ensembles as each classroom is equipped with an instant embellishment. 

   But please, practice restraint when accessorizing with one of the flashy new hall passes and don’t get too creative. While some might wish to flaunt the lanyard as a bracelet (definite Rolex look-alike) or place the insignia in their pocket for safe keeping, it is essential for students to place the hall passes around their necks (in an effort to reduce the spread of disease, the CDC formally requires students to put the hall passes around their necks. Lab tested hall passes ranked at a Level 4, the most severe, on the CDC biosafety scale). 

   So, next time you wish to leave class, fashion the lariat around your neck for an easy, breezy, everyday accessory. The only reason a teacher will stop you in the halls is if they mistake the sleek new hall pass for a Gucci necklace – the resemblance is striking! 

   If you are not one to be easily persuaded by fashion trends, you always have the option to abstain from bathroom use during class, which honestly isn’t the worst idea considering that the bathrooms are temperamental at best. Before you make up your mind, however, I urge you to consider the alternative, the pre-hall pass world, also referenced as “the dark ages” in textbooks.

   The mental strain it once took to balance all of your teachers diverse bathroom policies is no more. In one class you must ask for permission, but in another the teacher has zero interest in talking to you. There was always the daunting question reeling in the back of your mind: did I remember to write my name on the sign out sheet? The days of confusion are now over because when your basic actions are controlled, you waste less time thinking of silly subjects like individual rights. 

   Are you still under the mentality that such a detailed, intensive hall pass system is a waste of time, money, and resources? Or are you still believing that the new system is arbitrary because a large number of students are already legal adults? Do you think it’s a bit insane that a quarter of the school population are currently having to make life altering decisions about their future careers, but still have to ask their teachers to go to the bathroom? If you answered “yes” to any of the previous questions, you’re not alone. 

   Even if you think hall passes are useless, allow the new system to teach you how to deal with the reality of baseless bureaucratic mandates. Whether you choose to roam the halls freely or not, every time you slip on that fashionable blue lanyard remember that, as the government teaches us, you are never too old to be controlled.

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